So. I'm in the Royal Mail sorting office, dropping off a couple of parcels and collecting another.
There are about seven people in the queue. One of them is animated and loud. There's no escaping him.
They're reducing the population. Poisoning us. Toxins in the food. YouTube it. By 31st December - newyear'seve - we'll be dead.
He repeats this, numerous times. Loudly, in some guy's face.
People are shifting uncomfortably or studying their red Royal Mail 'Whilst You Were Out' cards.
When the focus of his rants is served at the counter, he looks around for his next victim, chanting all the time - They're reducing the population. Poisoning us. Toxins in the food. YouTube it. By 31st December - newyear'seve, we'll be dead.
He swivels round.
Please don't let it be me.
Please don't let it be me.
I examine the addresses on my parcels carefully. What would it be like to live in Ormskirk? Or Basel? Do not make eye contact. Do not make eye contact.
I look up.
He pounces.
They're reducing the population. Poisoning us. Toxins in the food. Youtube it. By 31st December - newyear'seve - we'll be dead. And so on. And on. You get the jist.
All attention is now on me. There's palpable relief from my queuing audience. I squirm in the spotlight, trying to look cool, like I know how to deal with the unfortunate Mr Loopy Loaves but my face grows hot.
He's too close. I'm tall enough but he's taller. He's wearing dark glasses I can see my reflection in. Inexplicably, my mouth contorts into a smile.
That does it. He takes it up a notch.
You may well smirk. You won't be smirking on 31st December - newyear'seve. They're poisoning us. Smirk all you want. He likes the word smirk and now he steps even closer. Hair sprouts from one nostril but not the other. I step back. He steps forward. I try to gauge just how menacing he is. The bloke behind me politely gives us a wide berth.
A genteel elderly lady who has passed the time sticking a hundred penny stamps on a parcel steps in. She's about four feet tall. She looks up at him.
Speak to Jesus. He will help you.
He pauses from his spiel and I think she may have scored.
But now he's louder There'll be no Jesus on 31st December, newyear'seve. Toxins in the food. YouTube it blah di blah. His body is getting more agitated and he's pacing round me. You'll see. You'll see, Smirker. Poisoning us. You'll be dead. Dead. Dead. Spittle sprays in a dusty sunbeam towards me.
Mercifully, someone comes out from the staff door and takes his card. He pauses long enough to sign for his parcel and then he's off, after his parting shot You'll be dead Smirker. Dead.
The room exhales as one and there's nervous laughter. I feel for him. That could me in a few years - Rejections. They just keep coming. You can barricade the letterbox but still they come. Even on 31st December, newyear'seve.
I'm served and leave. I expect to see him shambling off down the road or maybe waiting for me to have another go. My car keys are at the ready. But he's getting into his car. Not an old wreck but a very nice car. I get into my old wreck and wonder if it was all a ploy to be served more quickly. And if we're really going to die on December 31st, I'd better get writing. Although he didn't specify the year. Or on which planet.
47 comments:
That'll never be you Lane! Then again ... I don't suppose he ever thought it would be him - gulp.
We have a customer like that comes in the library and we fall over ourselves trying to avoid serving him (could it be him??)
Couldn't help thinking what a fab story it makes though :o)
You make this sound funny although, of course, it's not. We're British and we don't like this sort of confrontation. And you never know if one day this loony might suddenly produce a knife and go postal.
Um, have a nice day!
Oh dear, he'd been shot with the loopy bullet for sure!
Oh berlimey, what a nightmare! I hope you're not too shaken. When I did a stint a bookshop we used to have a fairless harmless loon we nicknamed Bicycle Man whose speciality was trapping you in a corner, pressing his face into yours and ranting about the misfortunes of his life. I'm afraid the store cupboard used to get quite full of female staff whenever Bicycle Man appeared.
Always look at the ingredients of the food you buy. If it says "Toxins" put it back on the shelf.
Follow this advice and we can have a celebratory party on 1st January! Hopefully more than just the two of us still alive! Don't mention it to the loony though.
I sometimes can't believe how polite and reserved we are in this country. I can't picture the same scenario in New York, for example, where someone would probably have told this bloke to shut the fcuk up within a minute. Mind you, that's not necessarily a good thing. Rather than diffuse the tense situation it might escalate it. And they have guns.
Good reporting Lane. I like the style, it puts you right there and reminds us of similar experiences I'm sure we've all had.
*passed the time sticking a hundred penny stamps on a parcel*
Priceless!
Is this the 'care in the community' that various people keep banging on about?
Hahahahahahaha!!! Sorry if that's inappropriate, but really... hahahahahahaha!!! Was this just a one-off, Lane, or are you a nutter magnet?
Oh Lane....I know I shouldn't laugh but I'm afraid I did!! It's awful having someone pounce upon you like that....
Hehe...you could have tried 'I know. Awful isn't it?' or 'Naaa, according to David Icke, the Lizard people will get us first'
Looneys....there are a lot of them about!!
C x
Now I'm smirking! There's a guy that goes into every coffee shop in town (I should know, I've sat in them all!) at lunchtime and pounces on the unsuspecting. He talks at twice normal volume and repeats every sentence three times. I never stare at my laptop more intently than when he appears! Apparently a good tactic for the drunk or ranting is to say something equally confusing like 'The wall outside my house is not 3 foot high.' Gives them pause for you to escape if nothing else! I may call you Smirky for a while, sorry!
Lane, LOL! Methinks you should of started a wee little sing-song
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll take a cup o' kindness yet
For auld lang syne
We twa hae run aboot the braes
And pou'd the gowans fine;
we've wander'd mony a weary foot
Sin' auld lang syne
We two hae paidled i' the burn,
Frae mornin' sun till dine;
But seas between us braid hae roar'd
Sin' auld lang syne
And here's a hand, my trusty friend,
And gie's a hand o' thine;
We'll take a cup o' kindness yet
For auld lang syne
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
and days of auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear,
For auld lang syne,
We'll take a cup o' kindness yet
For auld lang syne
TFx
Oherr, He's got to appear in a book somwhere!!! Were the parcels worth it?
I know him, But can't place where from. School, work, town? Of course, he's my MP, trying to deflect us all from his wrongdoings.
Yikes! I'm sitting here trying to think of what else to say next, but all I can think of is YIKES!
I know this has very serious undertones and I'm sorry becasue I laughed through it. Its your fault smirker. You MADE it sound funny. Come new years eve you wont be so funny. Eh?
Fx
Post Offices are v dangerous places. You want to watch out for the old lady with the stamps as well!
So sorry, but that was hilarious. That said, I would not have enjoyed having his spittle flying towards me.
Glad someone had the sense to serve him quickly.
Really really funny and so well written, Lane. I laughed out loud (and yes I AM blogging at work - good job everyone's gone!)
May have to try that next time there's a long queue :-)
Omg! what a weirdo! I hate it when that happens, normally they zoom in on me straight away:) I can just imagine your face! I'd bet you were really polite to him:)
Karen - Maybe he flits across the country from sorting office to library?:-)
Dumdad - that's the thing - trying to judge if someone's harmeless or not. And getting it wrong.
Amanda - absolutely:-)
ChrisH- Poor Bicycle Man. Poor staff.
Not shaken at all Chris. Don't really want to bump into him again for a while though:-)
troy - very sensible advice. I shall be checking the labels. Phew - glad we can look forward to Jan 1st:-)
Captain Black - yep, I'm sure we've all been there. And there for the grace ..etc etc.
Agreed re how Brit's generally behave. Most of the peeps in the room were behaving as if nothing was happening.
French Fancy - unfortunately I think it probably is:-(
Queenie - bit of a magnet I think. Must not make eye contact, must not make eye contact:-)
Carol - David Icke! There's a name I haven't heard for ages. Thank goodness:-)
Denise - I love that tactic and shall remember it! If you call me Smirky I shall be forced to resort to the stick:-)
Tom Foolery - ah very good. An early celebration just in case. Wouldn't wanted to have linked hands though:-)
ClaireP - no they weren't. Not even nice book ones dammit:-(
Grumpy Old Ken - well he's going to have to try harder. Nothing is going to deflect us from those 'mistakes' that easily!
SueG - Yikes indeed. In fact I think I may have said just that when I got in the car. Maybe;-)
Fionnuala - oh I'll be smirking I hope. Now let me just check this tin of beans:-)
Helenmh - lol! I quite agree:-)
Debs - I'm glad they served him when they did too. It had gone on long enough:-)
Annie - Norty girl. I hope you'd finished your work for the day. (And thank you)
Tam - dare you!:-)
Motherx - Too polite. And red faced:-)
Next time you go to the Post Office take Peggy Flobbins with you? I bet she'd have 'told' him what she thought of him.
Still giggling here. There've been some very funny blog posts today.
Oh ha ha! I admit it, I was laughing, too. But only because I've been in your shoes a number of times myself. It was relief that it wasn't me this time!
jesus, Lane a brush with,what ya call it,reality?
I want to laugh, of course, and am half doing so through a frown of bemusement. But really, I am sorry for the guy (not to mention everyone else), and wonder what demons haunt his day.
We have a chappie, a bit like this, in our nearest village. He stands in the road and talks to himself, or in the doctors' waiting room, or the library or the fruit shop. Everyone knows him, and if he gets a bit much, people just say, move over a bit, Bert, and he does. I'm sad for him too, though he doesn't seem to need me to be. I hope he's happy where ever he is.
You must have been frightened. I had quite a few similar experiences when I was travelling to London every day. The tube train is the worst.
However harmless these folk may be and however much you think, there but for the grace of God, it's seriously scary when you've never met them before.
OMG...the very thought of encounters like this makes me want to become agrophobic! On a more plesant note, N3S just saw the pic of Peggy in the bread bin and is now all gooey eyed and saying 'awwwww sweet' on a constant loop. x
Oh, so beautifully written Lane; I was holding my breath. Thank you for that.
This is so funny! Well, maybe not for you at the time, but the recounting... Lovely. The hair in one nostril but not the other? Keenly observed, as it would be if he's inches away from your face!
Ah, the crazies among us. As a friend puts it, "There but for the grace of God..."
Lovely bit of writing Lane! Keep at it....
There is an award for you over at mine :-)
C x
Have come back to read this post again Lane as it made me grin so much the first time.
When I worked in a building society we had a fair few customers like that. One I remember in particular used to come in with a couple of bags of shopping, leave them there and come back for them a couple of hours later. Couldn't get away with that now, they'd probably start a bomb alert! x
And it makes me think that maybe I should do some posts on the characters I met whilst in hospital...
The question is - and did you check on youtube? Did they confirm our food is toxic and we're going to die? I did and there were so many videos I've decided never to eat again and to become a being of light. I'm hoping that may also help with dealing with rejections... And nutters.
Lane, congratulations! You just won the book giveaway for this week over on my blog! Please e-mail me at lianespicer AT gmail and let me know where to send it.
Thank you for participating!
I love this post. So well described.
And I so know what you mean about the rejections. It gets very depressing, doesn't it?
Maybe we rejected all join together and start a Loony Rejected Club come Jan 31st. But only if you STOP SMIRKING.
;)
This is a brilliant blend of the scary and the comic, Lane. I was once queueing for the loo in Debenhams when a well-turned out middle-aged woman beside me said something chatty to me - when I chuckled she suddenly went ballistic. 'Don't you laugh at me!' she bellowed, and harangued me threateningly as I slipped into a toilet cubicle and locked the door. It was some time before I emerged ... The change from Women's Institute conventional to raging banshee was quite phenomenal - and quite scary.
There was some madman wandering up and down Heathfield High Street yesterday, swearing and threatening to shoot everyone. Needless to say, people on his side of the road just ignored him and the others tutted a bit and hoped for the best. Aren't Brits ace?
yeeks! i'd find that a bit unnerving.
and are the cards really "whilst you were out"?
whilst! what a great word. but it would be pretentious to use it here in the states.
I can't stop laughing at that. Sorry. Rather you than me, though. I'm usually the one who attracts the nutters... :o)
That's the way to get served quickly:-)
Hey sweetie - blogger didn't update! Grrrrrrrrrrrrr! Maybe we should rant about blogger instead of utube.
My hair is kinda standing up on my neck and I'm grateful it wasn't me. I just couldn't handle it. Been there and know where he comes from. I did too. But I keep my insanity (mostly) to myself.
Hello found your blog through ChrisH - loved it - so know the please don't let it be me feeling and it ALWAYS is isn't it . . .
LOLLLL, ... oh my I was really trying to think of something serious to say, really I was, but you're writing is just so enjoyable with the repetition and the hair growing out of one of Mr. Loopy Loave's nostrils and not the other. (nice detail (GRIN))... And then I read Helen's comment about the old lady with all the stamps, and it completely took me over the edge. LOL. :) ... I want to go to the post office with you the next time you go, or to the grocer, or where ever it is. Life just seems to present you with all of these lovely bits of colourful reality, which you are a master at conveying. :) ... I'm thinking I gotta open up my eyes a bit more; who knows what will happen at the corner bakery. :)
I'm behind on my blog reading, but this was classic, Lane. I somehow always draw their attention too, and like you, cannot help the smirking. Thanks for the laugh.
great post, dont you just hate when this happens.....
I found you on french fancy ow was it reason 2 b cheerful..anyway l'm glad l found you..enchanted!!
: )
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